THE SHADOW CURSOR: Gifts That Won’t Be Given

The Shadow keeps two holiday gift lists. The first (boring) list is for gifts that might be given to friends and acquaintances. The second is for gifts that won’t be given – but probably should.

In the spirit of the holidays, the Shadow will share with you, Dear Reader, the second list:

For the lawyer who perpetually finds excuses for continuances from trials: either a fishing rod and reel, or a package consisting of a bait-cutting knife, a cutting board, and live worms. The recipient must choose one.

For the judge who won’t rule on motions: a toilet seat that emits a mild electric shock every five minutes.

For a juror forced to wait endlessly to be called into a courtroom: access to closed-circuit television cameras secretly installed in the judge’s electrified toilet seat.

For advocates of tort-reform: A new Ford Pinto!

For a security guard who operates the courthouse metal detectors: X-ray glasses to speed access into the courthouse.

For the lawyer who didn’t use his gym membership this year: lead-coated underwear to avoid embarrassment as he accesses the courthouse – past the guard wearing X-ray glasses.

For legislators who capriciously tweak laws that don’t need tweaking: a “three-hour” boat tour of the Chattahoochee that departs the first week in January – on the S.S. Minnow.

For the in-laws who insist on free legal advice: Free legal advice that is worth what was paid for it.

And last, but not least:

For the producers of TV courtroom dramas: when they are involved in litigation in the “real world” a uniform court rule limiting their lawyers to no more than five minutes of witness examinations and five minutes of closing arguments – no matter how complex the case.

Let’s hope, Dear Reader, that you will be on the Shadow’s first list, and that you will have a bright and prosperous 2010.